012. Truthfully, shameful.

Related imageMaybe it’s starting the laundry you let pile up for 2 weeks, or the dishes that are starting to form a colony of molding crumbs, or even cleaning out that it-doesn’t-belong-anywhere-so-I-will-put-it-here “Monica Geller closet” you’ve been meaning to de-clutter.

Regardless of the reason, getting started is always the most difficult. For me, I always find myself struggling to find the motivation to begin any task at hand.

The problem I am faced with now is that I am INCREDIBLY inspired to make healthy choices and to live a better life. That being said, I am having trouble finding the motivation to just get up and do it.

 


I logged in to my dashboard for the first time in a while and I found this in my draft box. I find it rather ironic that I talk about how getting started is the hardest part and then I just disregarded this post, tossing it aside into my drafts.

I’ve been struggling.

I feel like everyday I am slowly being consumed by this BED problem. If I’m honest, I’m just plain angry.

I am so angry that it even got to this point. I am the heaviest I’ve ever been, I’m miserable in my skin, my anxiety is through the roof and I’m just at a loss.

It’s hard to talk about it, too. When you want to reach out, something inside of you whispers “DON’T. They won’t understand.”. Truthfully, I believe that voice. It’s as if there is this emancipated section of my brain that takes over from time to time and makes believe that I am forever alone with my struggles. Every time I feel as though I am making progress, everything crashes down again.

This feeling isn’t for lack of good in my life. I have so many things that I have to be grateful for; my partner, who is hands down the best person on this earth, (most of) my family, a great job with great benefits, food in my fridge and a warm bed to sleep in every night. I told this to my therapist during a recent session and she mentioned that maybe I am filling a void that I am not aware of.

What first crossed her mind was my best friend; who passed away almost 6 years ago. She theorized that I was filling that void with food. Makes sense, seeing as the bingeing started around the time of her death.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to go into that just yet. I see my therapist tomorrow and she may push for me to write about her. If I do, I will likely post something here as well, as I am trying to post more often.

 

As always, if you’re reading this, I like you, I appreciate you. Thank you.

– Dani

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