Yesterday was awful.
I’m not even sure I have words to sum up how I am feeling today. One thing I can say for certain is that it took every little bit of will power I had left to get myself out of bed this morning.
You know what’s frustrating? In the midst of me having just a bad week (and yes, it’s only Wednesday morning currently), grief has moved its way to the front of my brain. And that’s not all. There is a lot of trauma that I’ve suffered over the years and I have never fully dealt with any of my issues. And so, when I find myself surrounded by my own negative emotions, grief, trauma & anger come creeping in. Before I can even realize what is going on, I am completely encapsulated in these tormenting emotions.
So there I was, in the storage closet at work, sobbing like a toddler. I kept thinking to myself “This is it. This is where I lose it all. This is my breaking point.” And if I’m honest, it was. I had finally reached a point where I knew something needed to be done. I picked up my phone, dialed a number I knew all too well, and put my name on a list to join a support group for woman; woman who have survived sexual violence.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified. Because I really am. Putting yourself out there like that is not easy. Even if you don’t contribute to the group, just being there means your character is tattoo’d with “ASSAULT SURVIVOR #605”. That’s something I am struggling with. I do however find some comfort in knowing that all the woman who will be there, are there for the same reason. We want – we NEED – to heal.
I know that the assault caused a lot of problems in my life. It’s taken over the kind, strong, independent aspects of my being and replaced then with their polar opposites. I am hoping that through group I will find support in woman who have unfortunately experienced similar things as I have and together and find healing.
If you’re reading this and have been a victim of sexual violence, please reach out and get the help you DESERVE.