013. Survival

 

*disclaimer: it is actually “girlfriend” in my case, I just couldn’t find the lesbian version of this quote. *

I like finding quote pictures to insert in my posts as I find it to help foreshadow what the entry is about. When I was googling “quotes about friends who have passed on” this is one of the first images I got. I read it, and it struck something inside of me.

2130 days. That’s how long I have spent on this Earth without my best friend. In truth, I have not “fully” mourned her loss. Recently, her absence has been hitting me harder then ever.

How do you survive without your best friend? 

Honestly, I have no idea. I don’t know how I have managed to go about my day to day life.

I know that I am too good at hiding deep, strong emotions. Emotions and events that are closer to the surface tend to be the ones that everyone sees; happiness, joy, anger at current situation, etc. Things like loss and deep routed sadness are things I push far under the rug. Defense mechanism perhaps?

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I can still remember that day so clearly; the day we found out about her death. I, and about 6 other people, were at an old friend of mine’s house. We were all piled onto her bed telling stories and sharing laughs. All of a sudden one of the girls got a text saying a young woman had passed away in an MVC earlier that day. Curiosity set in as between the 6 of us, we knew a lot of people from that city. I heard the girls phone ding, and I remember her saying “I don’t recognize this name, it’s not any one I know. Here – take a look.” Although the spelling was way off, I can still feel the knot in my stomach as I read her name on the screen..

Oddly enough, what I remember so clearly was franticly running around trying to find news articles, calling friends and family, even calling news stations. I remember finally getting a call back from my mother, “I’m so sorry, it’s her. It’s her.”

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2130 days. 2 months shy of 6 years. I can’t believe it’s been so long. My heart aches thinking of where she would be right now. I picture her married to her then boyfriend, maybe one or two kids. I picture her being a beloved teacher. I picture us talking endlessly every day about non sense like we always did. I picture long, tearful reuinions. I picture laughter.

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I miss her everyday. I miss my person.

& with that, if you’re still reading this, know that I like you, I appreciate you, thank you.

-Dani

012. Truthfully, shameful.

Maybe it’s starting the laundry you let pile up for 2 weeks, or the dishes that are starting to form a colony of molding crumbs, or even cleaning out that it-doesn’t-belong-anywhere-so-I-will-put-it-here “Monica Geller closet” you’ve been meaning to de-clutter.

Regardless of the reason, getting started is always the most difficult. For me, I always find myself struggling to find the motivation to begin any task at hand.

The problem I am faced with now is that I am INCREDIBLY inspired to make healthy choices and to live a better life. That being said, I am having trouble finding the motivation to just get up and do it.

 

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I logged in to my dashboard for the first time in a while and I found this in my draft box. I find it rather ironic that I talk about how getting started is the hardest part and then I just disregarded this post, tossing it aside into my drafts.

I’ve been struggling.

I feel like everyday I am slowly being consumed by this BED problem. If I’m honest, I’m just plain angry.

I am so angry that it even got to this point. I am the heaviest I’ve ever been, I’m miserable in my skin, my anxiety is through the roof and I’m just at a loss.

It’s hard to talk about it, too. When you want to reach out, something inside of you whispers “DON’T. They won’t understand.”. Truthfully, I believe that voice. It’s as if there is this emancipated section of my brain that takes over from time to time and makes believe that I am forever alone with my struggles. Every time I feel as though I am making progress, everything crashes down again.

This feeling isn’t for lack of good in my life. I have so many things that I have to be grateful for; my partner, who is hands down the best person on this earth, (most of) my family, a great job with great benefits, food in my fridge and a warm bed to sleep in every night. I told this to my therapist during a recent session and she mentioned that maybe I am filling a void that I am not aware of.

What first crossed her mind was my best friend; who passed away almost 6 years ago. She theorized that I was filling that void with food. Makes sense, seeing as the bingeing started around the time of her death.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to go into that just yet. I see my therapist tomorrow and she may push for me to write about her. If I do, I will likely post something here as well, as I am trying to post more often.

 

As always, if you’re reading this, I like you, I appreciate you. Thank you.

– Dani

009. My Inconvenient Truth

As I had stated in entry 010., there was a post in my draft box waiting to be published. I read through it today (with intent of publishing it), and realized that I wanted to take it in a new direction.

The post was basically about my struggles with weight loss. Now instead of glamorizing the struggles, I want to give it a more raw approach. I want to vent and I want to be angry. I want to express how I feel without having to apologize for it. So here it is.

 

Weight loss journeys SUCK.

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I’m not sure what more to say then that. Weight loss journeys are such roller coasters; one minute you are motivated enough to fun a marathon, the next you’re being a “Debbie Downer” because you remember why you are on this journey in the first place.

That is something I wish people would have told me each time I have tried to shed some lbs. You don’t really expect that something that is suppose to improve the quality of your life to be so emotionally exhausting.

I guess for me, the worst is knowing that I am battling myself. I have recently been diagnosed with BED (Binge-Eating Disorder). Although frightening to have been told this, it really has given me some clarity as to why I behave certain ways.

For anyone who may ask, I am seeking professional help with this issue. I have begun therapy and have absolutely NO intentions on quitting.

I would also like to draw attention to an excellent resource that has given me piece of mind in knowing the in’s & out’s of BED and other eating disorders; NEDIC.

National Eating Disorder Information Center‘s website is an amazing information hub packed full of articles and resources to help you get educated on many different types of Eating Disorders.

If you or someone you know suffers from an eating disorder, please reach out and get the professional help you need. There is no shame in recovery.

&as always, if you have made it this far, know that I like you, I appreciate you.

-D