012. Truthfully, shameful.

Related imageMaybe it’s starting the laundry you let pile up for 2 weeks, or the dishes that are starting to form a colony of molding crumbs, or even cleaning out that it-doesn’t-belong-anywhere-so-I-will-put-it-here “Monica Geller closet” you’ve been meaning to de-clutter.

Regardless of the reason, getting started is always the most difficult. For me, I always find myself struggling to find the motivation to begin any task at hand.

The problem I am faced with now is that I am INCREDIBLY inspired to make healthy choices and to live a better life. That being said, I am having trouble finding the motivation to just get up and do it.

 


I logged in to my dashboard for the first time in a while and I found this in my draft box. I find it rather ironic that I talk about how getting started is the hardest part and then I just disregarded this post, tossing it aside into my drafts.

I’ve been struggling.

I feel like everyday I am slowly being consumed by this BED problem. If I’m honest, I’m just plain angry.

I am so angry that it even got to this point. I am the heaviest I’ve ever been, I’m miserable in my skin, my anxiety is through the roof and I’m just at a loss.

It’s hard to talk about it, too. When you want to reach out, something inside of you whispers “DON’T. They won’t understand.”. Truthfully, I believe that voice. It’s as if there is this emancipated section of my brain that takes over from time to time and makes believe that I am forever alone with my struggles. Every time I feel as though I am making progress, everything crashes down again.

This feeling isn’t for lack of good in my life. I have so many things that I have to be grateful for; my partner, who is hands down the best person on this earth, (most of) my family, a great job with great benefits, food in my fridge and a warm bed to sleep in every night. I told this to my therapist during a recent session and she mentioned that maybe I am filling a void that I am not aware of.

What first crossed her mind was my best friend; who passed away almost 6 years ago. She theorized that I was filling that void with food. Makes sense, seeing as the bingeing started around the time of her death.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to go into that just yet. I see my therapist tomorrow and she may push for me to write about her. If I do, I will likely post something here as well, as I am trying to post more often.

 

As always, if you’re reading this, I like you, I appreciate you. Thank you.

– Dani

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005. where’d you get that body from?

It finally happened. Yesterday, I shocked the entire world with one small appointment. Yesterday, I, Dani Saulnier, joined the gym.

THE GYM.

Leading up to this, I have been bombarded by invitations to join. A few of my coworkers had joined, as well as friends of mine, and they kept talking about how fun it would be for us all to go together. As fun as it sounded, and as much as I needed an intervention about my health habits, I always seemed to push away the idea.

It’s not something I talk about much, mostly because I don’t feel that I have it as bad as some people. I do suffer from anxiety. Some days are worse then others, but for the most part I am able to live a normal life (whatever that means). I do feel that anxiety does hold me back from doing things I would like to be doing; ie. going to the gym.

My thought process whenever I tried thinking about going to the gym was the following :
– “Everyone’s going to stare at me.”
-“Everyone laughs at the fat girl trying to work out.”
-“I’m going to look stupid not knowing what to do on machines.”
-“There’s no way I can keep up in classes.”
Theses thoughts are not healthy. These thoughts are clouding my judgement. Even though every single person I have spoken to about this has reassured me that those thoughts are just not the case, I still believed that it would be a traumatic experience. Until I actually went.

Fast forward to last night, I finished work and decided “Okay, today’s the day. I’m going to get my membership.” So I headed on over and met with the two nicest people I have ever met. Not only were they very comforting, but they actually took into consideration that I was SO nervous and had previous feelings of anxiety associated with the gym as a whole. They gave me pointers and options on how I can get the most out of my gym experience while keeping the anxiety to a minimal. They made me feel as though I belonged and seemed to genuinely care about every word I spoke. They applauded me for the small milestones I achieved recently and are helping me get to where I am going.

Tomorrow morning I meet with a personal trainer. He will be showing me the ropes, giving me some insight on how to better my lifestyle and teach me how to get back into shape. The person I am seeing is even recognized for his knowledge in weight management and life coaching.

I can’t wait to see where this journey takes me. My only goal is to get healthy. That obviously means I am going to shed some pounds, but I don’t want to overwhelm myself with numbers. So here’s to the first day of the rest of my life!!!

& if you have managed to read this far, I like you and I appreciate you.

-Dani