011. It’s Dani’s NEW Life.

Today, I bring to you some VERY exciting news.

Today, is the 1st day of the rest of my life.

Today, I start my journey into health (& fitness!).

Last night I was looking for inspiration. I was searching through all social media platforms I had an account with. I finally came across the YouTube channel “FatGirlFedUp” aka Lexi.

Lexi is a 26 year old Indiana woman who amazingly lost 300 lbs since January 1st 2016. AMAZING! Not only did she get control of her life, but she did so along side her husband Danny (who lost 86 lbs !) and they both did this with diet and exercise ONLY!

Let me give you a little disclaimer; in NO WAY am I discrediting anyone who has had to opt for weight loss surgeries or any other means of weight loss that is not the “traditional” diet/exercise combo. The reason I say that I am so inspired by Lexi & Danny is that I am far too scared to try more invasive methods to shed the lbs I need to lose.

Now that that is out of the way, I’d like to explain my plan, goals.

I am a firm believer that setting small, attainable goals is the best course of action, for me anyway. I would much rather meet 15 small goals then to never reach 5 bigger ones. So to start, I want to first be going to the gym at least 3 – 5 times (3 being the minimum) per week. To go with this goal, I want to make a side goal of being able to reach 10 minutes on the elliptical. I have very weak and problematic knee’s and I need to start working them!

I’m going to give myself 2 weeks to make it to 10 minutes. After 2 weeks, I will post to update and keep track of my progress.

Aside from blogging, I will be documenting my journey on Instagram @itsdanislifee . I can’t wait to look back months & years from now to see how far I will have come.

If you have any pointers or advice for a health/fitness newbie, please let me know!!

Cheers to a new journey *

 

-Dani

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011. It’s Dani’s NEW Life.

007. Blame..

I don’t blame you;

For the fact that my childhood wasn’t like anyone else, or that my family dynamic is not what we all thought it would be.

For all the mistakes I made in my life, or how I was unable to fix most of them because i wasn’t exactly given the tools I need because you and dad did most everything for me and I didn’t have to fend for my self when I was a kid.

For feeling alone and feeling as though you could have and should have done better.

I don’t blame you.

But.

I do blame you; 

For never listening to me when I told you I had a bad feeling about some of the men you brought around us and yourself.

For never wanting to settle our differences.

For always giving me the cold shoulder when I am simply asking if you are okay.

I blame YOU for giving us the relationship you had with your mom.

Continue reading “007. Blame..”

007. Blame..

003. Best Foot Forward

Image result for tumblr quotes

It is currently 1 am and I am working a night shift. While trying to stay away, I Googled “tumblr pics” to see if I could find some cool things to share on the blog. As I was scrolling through the images, the picture I have inserted caught my eye. The quote triggered emotion in me, which is how I knew I had to share.

About a week ago, I received an email from my local RCMP recruitment office saying that I have been selected to come in for testing for a Telecommunications job (I had applied for this about 6 months ago). At first, I was in shock. I really had no idea what to think. An opportunity like this seems to be a dime a dozen, and I was ecstatic that I was given the opportunity.

Of course, once the hype was over, I was left in a panic. I know, I know; why would a proficiency testing for a potential new career (that would almost double my salary btw) scare the day lights out of me? I was no stranger to the local RCMP. Without too much detail, back in 2011 I was a victim to sexual assault. Long story short (that I will blog about, at some point), the years following this event have been internally traumatic.

Let me give you a little break down. Since the trauma occurred, many of my decisions were based on how anxious the situation would make me. For example, when I was deciding on where I wanted to go for college/what courses I wanted to take, the first thing I thought of was how likely it would be for me to run into That Individual (this is how I will refer to the abuser). I also though about what careers would make me more accessible; what environment I would work in, what field I would work in, what kind of people would I most likely run into, etc. My dream had ALWAYS been to be a Marine Biologist. I have such a passion for marine life and for the beauty of the sea and its conservation. Due to the fact that I did so poorly in school (seriously kids, listen to your parents and DON’T be a heathen), I was basically forced into a new career path. After much thought, I soon decided that Medical Administration would be a good fit for me, and the guidance counselors at my high school agreed. I had all the pamphlets and information on the job that I needed. All that was left was for me to make a choice when I was ready.

Fast forward to 2013 when I was finally ready to take the next step in life; apply for college. Going back to the above mentioned emotions I was going through, I somehow came to the conclusion that beauty school (Medical Aesthetics) would be the best fit for me. Keep in mind, this was NOT a passion of mine. This was a safety net. I had concluded that I would be in a school full of woman (therefore That Individual would not be there), most of the clients that come into the school for services would be female, and my clientele would likely be female as well. To make matters worse, at this time in my life, I was dating this woman who was incredibly controlling, and mentally abusive (again, another post, another day). We both ended up enrolling in this school and for the next year it was hell. Towards the end of my term, we had broken up, so not only was I studying to be something I did not want to be, I was forced to see my ex day in and day out and have to put on a pretty face because “Look’s are Everything” in the beauty industry, according to our dean anyway.

Fast forward to now, I am currently a Telecommunications Clerk at my local hospital. I am so incredibly fortunate to wake up everyday and go to work at a job I adore. The best thing, I managed to persevere through to pain and anxiety of working in such a public place. Most of the time I am down in the main lobby manning the front desk, so I am very much in the public. With a lot – A LOT – of therapy and counselling I have managed to work hard to achieve something I love. And now that I am given another opportunity to try something new, that anxiety and that memory pain came flooding back.

Moral of this story, no matter your struggle, it is valid and it is REAL. Believe me when I say, just as the picture above says, a small act of courage will get you so very far. I have never believe myself to be brave or courageous, I simply think of myself as a woman – a human – who has been dealt some pretty shitty cards. I also see myself as a woman who has worked her ass off to keep herself sane enough to get by, day after day. If I can do it, BELIEVE ME, so can you. It won’t be easy; it will be the hardest up hill battle. But I promise you, the view from the top is SO worth it.

I’m still not where I want to be, but I know I’m headed there.

And if you’re still reading this, I like you, I appreciate you.

-Dani

003. Best Foot Forward

002. Girls, Girls, Girls

Todays topic stems from a YouTube channel I stumbled upon the other day.

The Next Family is a lifestyle blog based on the life of a lesbian couple, Brandy and Susan, and their 3 adorable children. They touch on some pretty hard-hitting topics and give you raw and honest answers. This channel is such an amazing resource for LGBTQ+ families looking for guidance with anything from keeping the spark alive in your marriage/relationship to how to find the perfect LGBTQ+ friendly schools near you.

I suppose you may be wondering how in the hell I managed to come across a channel with such a powerful message. Truth be told, I am a 23-year-old lesbian trying to plan a future. Although I don’t want to get too far into detail with this (most because it is still new and nothing is quite set in stone, and I want to make a separate blog post about this) I wanted to touch on a few things that encompass this topic.

First off, I want to say thank you for reading this far. If you have, whether you are a member of the LGBTQ+ family like myself, a family member/friend to someone just like me, or even if you’re here looking for ammunition to load your hate guns, thank you for being open-minded enough to read this.

Stigma; a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.
I remember the very first time I witnessed the stigma involving (in my case) lesbian couples. It was grade 9 or 10 (brain fart..) when 2 girls from my classes decided to start a relationship together. This was, as far as we knew, the first time in many years (if ever) that an openly gay/lesbian couple was known at our school. When I first heard the new, I was immediately filled with hope. At this point, I was still closeted and was trying to find the courage to “come out”.It soon became very clear that I would not be able to do so for a long time..

Not long after the 2 girls began dating, they made a terrible name for themselves. They never left much to the imagination; always talking about their sex life far too openly, tonsil hockey in the cafeteria, even sex in the bathrooms at school. They were so far in everyone’s face that it was hard not to think negatively about the situation.

Here’s the thing. I have ALWAYS made it very clear that I will always except someone elses views on things. I would be naive to believe that everyone on this planet should think like I do. The reality of the situation is that yes, I am an openly lesbian woman and I am proud of that. Do I shout it from the rooftops and expect everyone to accept me? NO. The problem with these girls from my highschool was that because they were the first openly lesbian couple, I feel as though they felt that they needed to make a point. That it was a normal things and that everyone needs to respect it. Although this is a great message to spread, they went about it the wrong way. Every single chance they got, they were making out in front of people who found lesbianism strange, they were talking about their sex life to people who thought lesbianism was a sin, and even giving school faculty hell for giving them detention for being caught “doing it” in the public washroom.

Because of all the mayhem, people had awful things to say about anything LGBTQ+. Even the Gay/Straight Alliance we had at school slowly fell apart. I hid my sexuality for almost 5 years after that. The point is, when I was watching the above mentioned YouTube channel, I became to inspired by the confidence they radiated. They were confident in themselves and their relationship and they were giving advice not only to LGBTQ+ families, but to straight families aswell. They are educating a nation far bigger then I think they imagine. My life has most been about suppressing feelings and thoughts, and even though now I am no longer lying to myself and everyone else, I still find myself deflecting questions that could potentially “out me” to new people I meet. I still find myself waiting a very long time to even mention to people about my sexuality, and even delay talking about my amazing partner.

I am left heartbroken thinking that the stigma is still very real. It shatters me that I still feel as though I can not live a truly open life as potential bad situations play out in my head. I hope that one day I can be as open as Brandy and Susan. Their happiness has truly inspired me.

 

I know this post is probably all jumbled, but that’s the beauty of running a life blog; nothing has to make sense to anyone but you!

& as always, if you’re still reading this, I like you, I appreciate you.

-Dani

002. Girls, Girls, Girls